Hauntings of Abuse

I’ve been abused and it haunts me to this day. I also have three children who suffer as well. And it’s all my fault. I allowed him into our lives. I believed his false pretenses and fell for his lies. Up until the day I met him I believed people were good. I had never met someone evil before. Everyone has a good heart like me right? I was soon to find out that is not reality. And my children learned that hard awful lesson at a very young age. I hate that they did, however, hopefully they won’t be as naive as I.

We are moving back into a home that was supposed to my family’s home during the time of our abuse. I wondered how I would feel about it at first. My kids wanted to move back and I want them to be happy. When I first walked into the house I saw the coffee table where there was once a butcher knife sticking out of it when I returned home from work one morning. It took me a moment to collect myself but I was ok. I’m stronger than him. He won’t destroy my life anymore.

My kids are still learning how to deal with the repercussions of his actions. They remember me being hit. They remember seeing him with drugs in the kitchen and people coming to the house all while I was at work. They remember every single valuable thing they had was stolen from them as he sold it for his drugs. I would buy them a new one, for it to only be stolen again.

I couldn’t get him out of the house. We were married and he had every right to be there and drain the bank account and sell everything. And the kicker was, if I left, that was giving up possession of the home and allowing him to have it. As awful as it was I had to stay there until we were all evicted and then my kids and I could return and not have him on the lease. And that is part of why I have no faith in the justice system. There’s so much more but I’ll spare you the details.

I walked into the bedroom where he once drew on the wall a picture of his brain and an arrow where his “brain tumor” was. It’s actually laughable now and that’s another story I’ll share at another time. Needless to say, there was no brain tumor 🙄. That’s the same bedroom where I would sleep with my keys, phone, and debit card in my pocket to try and keep them safe. But only sleeping four hours a night bc you had to work two full time jobs to attempt to pay the bills because he stole all the money. Well, you can see how easy that would be for him to take things out of my pocket as I was dead asleep in my jeans so I’d have pockets.

It will all haunt me forever. It’s so much easier now since I have learned to forgive someone who was never sorry. That doesn’t mean I never get angry because trust me I do. A LOT. However, life goes on, and in order for me to be happy I have to let all those awful, terrible, sickening things go. My children have not quite learned how to do this yet. And I understand that. I didn’t learn this lesson until recently. I just hope they learn the value of it much sooner than I. ❤️

Holding a Baby Since Losing My Own

I held a beautiful baby tonight for the first time since losing mine. Heartbreaking and beautiful at the same time. I absolutely love babies and wow I have missed it. Those puckered lips when they stretch those arms. That curve in their back. Oh my heart ❤️ The sleepless nights when they won’t stop crying and you don’t know how much more you can take. Then they settle into your arms, quiet and peaceful. Your heart explodes with love. Such an indescribable love you’ve never known existed. Pure and simple love.

It’s not all bad. I’ve accepted what is reality and it’s ok. It’s just bittersweet. I’ve seen many babies since losing mine and it comes in waves of upsetting me. It didn’t bother me much at first. Then it really hurt to see them and miss what could have been. I wonder what he would look like. Blonde hair, blue eyes, and mischievous I’m sure he would have been 😜.

Those tiny feet left an imprint on me that is for certain. Never would I have ever thought I’d go through something like that. But I did and I made it through. It’s pretty amazing how we learn to cope and deal with things we never thought we would or could. Yes it’s heartbreaking and sad at times. I cry sometimes. And it’s ok. I’m ok. And I know he is too ❤️

Some Days are Better Than Others

It’s no secret I’ve struggled this past year. I keep thinking it’s going to get better and I’ll like it here. But the fact is, I don’t. I never will. I have to learn how to make it through these next ten years until the kids are grown and I can leave this town. Every day is a struggle and it’s tiring. Some days I actually feel like a human being and manage to get a few things done. But quite honestly most days I don’t. I simply make it through the day and dread the next.

I miss Florida every single day. I just don’t see life the same here. This isn’t my home, my real home is 1,000 miles away with a piece of my heart. I came here for my kids, thinking they would love it here and it was going to be great for them. So reality is that they are teenagers and dislike me more often then they like me. It’s stressful and I’ve never felt like a worse parent than I do now. I feel as though 3 out of my 4 kids hate me. I know ultimately they do love me, but it doesn’t make it any easier. I make mistake after mistake and I can’t seem to do anything right. It’s getting harder and harder to fight those feelings and tell myself I’m doing ok as a parent. All I can do is the best I can at this time.

I know everyone goes through these stages as a parent. Struggling with depression just gives it a twist and it’s sometimes hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s there though, I know it. I just have to make it through those “other” days. ❤️

Laughter is the Best Medicine

This article is spot on with how my husband and I interact. We have so much fun together laughing at the most silly things that I’m not sure others would think is funny. Just the other day we were talking about who loved who most and he says I love you this much as he held up his hand and his first finger and thumb were pressed together. I rolled my eyes, he then says he loves me so much nothing can come between us. I laugh and ask how many times he has used that line before. His response is it has been years and years so he is refurbishing the line 😂😂. We died laughing for a long time. I love laughing with him ❤️.

https://life.shared.com/couples-who-roast-each-other-stay-together-the-longest-suggests-study

Our dogs are always under our feet. We can’t do much without almost tripping on them. They love to be loved. The other day as my husband and I sat on the couch, we kissed and our small dog came up to us wanting attention. I licked Dustin’s face several times laughing and said that was from Lola (our dog). Again, we died laughing. We do stupid, silly, annoying things all the time and love each other for it. He’s made my life a happier place ❤️.

Truth

I’m tired of being a soldier. I’m a good one, but even the best need rest. I waiting a long time, too long to start healing myself. The fact is I didn’t really even realize that was possible. I didn’t have a plan to start healing, it just kinda happened. When I realized what was happening naturally I began to realize I could do more to become a better version of myself. I hate the fact I wasted so much of my life being miserable. I could have been a happier person so much earlier but I just didn’t have a clue.

We weren’t born to just exist. We all have a purpose. Yes we all have wounds and bad experiences. No one’s life is perfect, I don’t care how much they play the part. The best things in life come after you realize you’re responsible for your own happiness. No matter how awful your life has been, you can overcome and become better. You can be the one to inspire someone else and in turn they change their life.

True happiness comes after accepting the past is the past and where you go from here is your fault. Stop blaming others for where you are in life. Stop complaining and do something about it. We’ve all been dealt crappy hands at time. Some people give up and some people get better. I think everyone has it in them to do better but not everyone chooses to do so.

I wish I could make everyone choose to become better but the fact is you can’t change someone that doesn’t want to change themselves. And sometimes that’s hard to sit back and see someone suffering and there’s nothing you can do. Just hoping and praying someday they see soon so they don’t waste their life like I did.

Don’t live a life of regrets! Make peace with your past. Understand what circumstances made you who you are. Chances are those bad circumstances cultivated something amazing in you. Share that with others. Decide what kind of person you want to be. Do you even want to become better? If you want to be miserable then that’s your right, stay miserable. If you want to change your mindset, DO IT! I promise you won’t regret it! ❤️

Are You Happy?

I’ll ask. Are you happy? If not, make a change. Make a scary one. You can do it!Don’t wait for someone else to create your happiness.

It seems most people are afraid to leave what they have known. Even if they know they are unhappy in the situation and it is not good for their well being. Fear holds us back from our best life. I try to not live in fear of change. How do you find out what you love and what makes you happy if you don’t try new things?

We’ve been lead to believe you graduate, get a good job, get married, have kids, and that’s the perfect life. Well for some of us it isn’t. There’s more to life. I believe the sky is the limit but not everyone gets there. Most people are too afraid to follow their heart. We’ve been trained to think we have to follow everyone else’s path. I don’t believe that for one second. We are all unique.

We each have a purpose. I’m still finding mine, but I feel good about who I am. It took me a long time to love me and be happy with myself. About 35 years I didn’t love myself. That’s a long time to not know who you are and what you’re worth! It’s a good feeling knowing your value and although you are not perfect, you do realize you can contribute positively.

Seek out people who see your value and appreciate it. Not everyone cares about you like you care about them. That’s brutal reality. I used to think everyone cares like I do. But I’ve since realized that is far from true. Life is too short to waste on things and people that will never care about your happiness. You only live once, create a happy life. ❤️

❤️ Friendversary ❤️

We celebrated our one year friendversary a few days ago and spent our first Valentines Day together this year. I am so thankful for this man every day. He makes me smile and laugh when I don’t want to and loves me more than I’ve ever been loved before. I am so lucky and am looking forward to our future together.

We laugh at ourselves nearly every day. We began talking in February last year while I lived in Florida and he was in Ohio. We had our first date a couple weeks later and got engaged a couple weeks after that on our second date 😳😂. We flew to Las Vegas for my birthday in April and got married in a limo in a drive through. He spent a lot of time on a plane for a couple months 😜.

We dated when I was in high school and he was my first love. When we started talking again it didn’t take long for those feelings to return. We both just knew it was meant to be and had faith and jumped in. Some people may have been a little scared (I think that’s putting it lightly 😜) of what we had done but we didn’t let that deter us. We had no doubts and I couldn’t be happier.

He was there for me through this past year which was one of the hardest I’ve had. I struggled majorly with depression since I moved back to Ohio and he was there for me every step of the way. I have since mostly resolved the feelings I had of moving back and we have plans for our future that we are so excited about.

My new job is going well so far. It sure does feel good to be back in the hospital, but I miss the ER. I am beginning to feel like myself again and it feels great! Life is good!❤️