I’ve been abused and it haunts me to this day. I also have three children who suffer as well. And it’s all my fault. I allowed him into our lives. I believed his false pretenses and fell for his lies. Up until the day I met him I believed people were good. I had never met someone evil before. Everyone has a good heart like me right? I was soon to find out that is not reality. And my children learned that hard awful lesson at a very young age. I hate that they did, however, hopefully they won’t be as naive as I.
We are moving back into a home that was supposed to my family’s home during the time of our abuse. I wondered how I would feel about it at first. My kids wanted to move back and I want them to be happy. When I first walked into the house I saw the coffee table where there was once a butcher knife sticking out of it when I returned home from work one morning. It took me a moment to collect myself but I was ok. I’m stronger than him. He won’t destroy my life anymore.
My kids are still learning how to deal with the repercussions of his actions. They remember me being hit. They remember seeing him with drugs in the kitchen and people coming to the house all while I was at work. They remember every single valuable thing they had was stolen from them as he sold it for his drugs. I would buy them a new one, for it to only be stolen again.
I couldn’t get him out of the house. We were married and he had every right to be there and drain the bank account and sell everything. And the kicker was, if I left, that was giving up possession of the home and allowing him to have it. As awful as it was I had to stay there until we were all evicted and then my kids and I could return and not have him on the lease. And that is part of why I have no faith in the justice system. There’s so much more but I’ll spare you the details.
I walked into the bedroom where he once drew on the wall a picture of his brain and an arrow where his “brain tumor” was. It’s actually laughable now and that’s another story I’ll share at another time. Needless to say, there was no brain tumor 🙄. That’s the same bedroom where I would sleep with my keys, phone, and debit card in my pocket to try and keep them safe. But only sleeping four hours a night bc you had to work two full time jobs to attempt to pay the bills because he stole all the money. Well, you can see how easy that would be for him to take things out of my pocket as I was dead asleep in my jeans so I’d have pockets.
It will all haunt me forever. It’s so much easier now since I have learned to forgive someone who was never sorry. That doesn’t mean I never get angry because trust me I do. A LOT. However, life goes on, and in order for me to be happy I have to let all those awful, terrible, sickening things go. My children have not quite learned how to do this yet. And I understand that. I didn’t learn this lesson until recently. I just hope they learn the value of it much sooner than I. ❤️