Faking It

On the outside I look like I’m a normal 40 year old woman. On the inside, I’m barely holding it together. I’m sick of people not taking me seriously because I look fine. I am anything but! But no one cares. No one cares that I don’t have full feeling in my right arm and that every single task I do takes extra willpower and a fake smile just to perform it and make it look like it’s not killing me. And pretend like my right cheek isn’t numb. I ignore that the right side of my head has so much pressure that I can’t see right and my right neck is in so much pain and that pain shoots down my shoulder and into my arm. When in reality picking up even a drinking cup with my right arm is difficult and it hurts today. And it’s scary when you’re a nurse and you’re doing important things with your arms all day. But I do it, I fake it. I act like I’m fine and use my left arm more than normal to ty to compensate. And stretch my right arm in funny ways to try and work it out. But there’s only so much I can do. I cried plenty of times today. I’m tired and scared quite honestly. I’m tired of working so hard at a job that no one appreciates what I do. Let alone the fact that no one appreciates that I’m doing it while I feel like half of my body is literally dying. I am killing myself for a job that would replace me tomorrow if something happened to me. Always requesting more and more from me, my hard work is never enough.

So all of that to say that I’m not always kind. As much as I wish I were, I’m not. But I try to be as often as possible. I just wish I got the same in return. Because quite honestly most days I’m just barely holding it together…

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