I started this blog as a way to deal with my depression and life circumstances. I stopped writing because my husband did not like what I was saying. He felt it made him look bad. I respected that, so I stopped. He is a good person and I am not in any way trying to make him look bad. He loved me the best he could. Until he just couldn’t anymore.
The truth is I want to write. It’s not for anyone else but myself. However, I do hope some can resonate with some of it and know they are not alone. Most people I know with depression isolate themselves which is exactly what I do. I also know lots of people who do not believe in depression. To each their own.
My husband left a month ago. He is not able to deal with my depression and mood swings. He feels I am mean to him. When I am upset or sick I shut down and he does not understand it. I don’t fault him for that. He is sensitive and it hurts him. I know it is difficult. It is difficult for myself to deal with, so how can I expect that of him? I’m used to dealing with this on my own. No one I’ve been with deals with this as well, so they are unable to empathize. I have no one, as I said I self isolate, so I have no one to blame but myself for that.
On top of my depression, I recently found out I have Chiari Malformation. I’ve known something wasn’t right for years. But since having Sammy, my symptoms spiraled. I truly believe trying to push him out made my brain slide further into my spinal column causing more extreme symptoms for me. I didn’t know I had this before I gave birth to him. They say if you have chiari, you should have cesarean section as the pushing puts too much pressure on the brain. I’ve never had the dizziness or this much brain fog. Some days I can barely think and I’ve been told it’s like I’m not paying attention. I am, but I cant focus and retain the information. It’s awful, I feel like I have the brain of a 90 year old. I can’t remember anything. I talk backwards and can’t think of words. I know lots of people cant think of words, but imagine that times 100. Its embarrassing, I’m young! I shouldn’t be doing all the things I’m doing! But I can’t help it. It’s part of who I am now. Having both depression and Chiari has been a double struggle for me.
I was recently told it is all in my head and I’m crazy. That is coming from someone who has never dealt with depression or can even wrap their mind around it. They truly think it is in your head and you should just stop it and get over it. Those who also deal with depression know this is not the case for us. But we all know people who think we shouldn’t feel this way and it’s all made up in our head. If only it were that simple. I just wish they could stand in our shoes for just a day. Every day is a battle. A struggle to overcome. No one understands this unless they have been there themselves.
As I said earlier, he left a month ago. This has been a long and awful month for me. But I made it! Today is a new day and I’m determined to enjoy every second of today. I haven’t been able to mow my grass for a few weeks. But the up side to that was I picked a few “flowers” to enjoy. I’m laying in a pool I put a lot of time and hard work putting up with my kid’s help. It may have a “shallow and deep” end unintentionally 😜 but it works for me. I watered my plants I’ve neglected for days. After enjoying some alone quiet time in my pool I’m going to attempt to fix my mower. I’ve put off everything I was doing in my life for a month now and it’s time to get back at it! I’ve got a lot of projects to finish and I’ve got a lot to be grateful for. I’ve been through all this before and I always come out on top! ❤
If you’re struggling and need someone to talk to, I am here for you!