Some Days are Better Than Others

It’s no secret I’ve struggled this past year. I keep thinking it’s going to get better and I’ll like it here. But the fact is, I don’t. I never will. I have to learn how to make it through these next ten years until the kids are grown and I can leave this town. Every day is a struggle and it’s tiring. Some days I actually feel like a human being and manage to get a few things done. But quite honestly most days I don’t. I simply make it through the day and dread the next.

I miss Florida every single day. I just don’t see life the same here. This isn’t my home, my real home is 1,000 miles away with a piece of my heart. I came here for my kids, thinking they would love it here and it was going to be great for them. So reality is that they are teenagers and dislike me more often then they like me. It’s stressful and I’ve never felt like a worse parent than I do now. I feel as though 3 out of my 4 kids hate me. I know ultimately they do love me, but it doesn’t make it any easier. I make mistake after mistake and I can’t seem to do anything right. It’s getting harder and harder to fight those feelings and tell myself I’m doing ok as a parent. All I can do is the best I can at this time.

I know everyone goes through these stages as a parent. Struggling with depression just gives it a twist and it’s sometimes hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s there though, I know it. I just have to make it through those “other” days. ❤️

Laughter is the Best Medicine

This article is spot on with how my husband and I interact. We have so much fun together laughing at the most silly things that I’m not sure others would think is funny. Just the other day we were talking about who loved who most and he says I love you this much as he held up his hand and his first finger and thumb were pressed together. I rolled my eyes, he then says he loves me so much nothing can come between us. I laugh and ask how many times he has used that line before. His response is it has been years and years so he is refurbishing the line 😂😂. We died laughing for a long time. I love laughing with him ❤️.

Our dogs are always under our feet. We can’t do much without almost tripping on them. They love to be loved. The other day as my husband and I sat on the couch, we kissed and our small dog came up to us wanting attention. I licked Dustin’s face several times laughing and said that was from Lola (our dog). Again, we died laughing. We do stupid, silly, annoying things all the time and love each other for it. He’s made my life a happier place ❤️.


I’m tired of being a soldier. I’m a good one, but even the best need rest. I waiting a long time, too long to start healing myself. The fact is I didn’t really even realize that was possible. I didn’t have a plan to start healing, it just kinda happened. When I realized what was happening naturally I began to realize I could do more to become a better version of myself. I hate the fact I wasted so much of my life being miserable. I could have been a happier person so much earlier but I just didn’t have a clue.

We weren’t born to just exist. We all have a purpose. Yes we all have wounds and bad experiences. No one’s life is perfect, I don’t care how much they play the part. The best things in life come after you realize you’re responsible for your own happiness. No matter how awful your life has been, you can overcome and become better. You can be the one to inspire someone else and in turn they change their life.

True happiness comes after accepting the past is the past and where you go from here is your fault. Stop blaming others for where you are in life. Stop complaining and do something about it. We’ve all been dealt crappy hands at time. Some people give up and some people get better. I think everyone has it in them to do better but not everyone chooses to do so.

I wish I could make everyone choose to become better but the fact is you can’t change someone that doesn’t want to change themselves. And sometimes that’s hard to sit back and see someone suffering and there’s nothing you can do. Just hoping and praying someday they see soon so they don’t waste their life like I did.

Don’t live a life of regrets! Make peace with your past. Understand what circumstances made you who you are. Chances are those bad circumstances cultivated something amazing in you. Share that with others. Decide what kind of person you want to be. Do you even want to become better? If you want to be miserable then that’s your right, stay miserable. If you want to change your mindset, DO IT! I promise you won’t regret it! ❤️

Are You Happy?

I’ll ask. Are you happy? If not, make a change. Make a scary one. You can do it!Don’t wait for someone else to create your happiness.

It seems most people are afraid to leave what they have known. Even if they know they are unhappy in the situation and it is not good for their well being. Fear holds us back from our best life. I try to not live in fear of change. How do you find out what you love and what makes you happy if you don’t try new things?

We’ve been lead to believe you graduate, get a good job, get married, have kids, and that’s the perfect life. Well for some of us it isn’t. There’s more to life. I believe the sky is the limit but not everyone gets there. Most people are too afraid to follow their heart. We’ve been trained to think we have to follow everyone else’s path. I don’t believe that for one second. We are all unique.

We each have a purpose. I’m still finding mine, but I feel good about who I am. It took me a long time to love me and be happy with myself. About 35 years I didn’t love myself. That’s a long time to not know who you are and what you’re worth! It’s a good feeling knowing your value and although you are not perfect, you do realize you can contribute positively.

Seek out people who see your value and appreciate it. Not everyone cares about you like you care about them. That’s brutal reality. I used to think everyone cares like I do. But I’ve since realized that is far from true. Life is too short to waste on things and people that will never care about your happiness. You only live once, create a happy life. ❤️

❤️ Friendversary ❤️

We celebrated our one year friendversary a few days ago and spent our first Valentines Day together this year. I am so thankful for this man every day. He makes me smile and laugh when I don’t want to and loves me more than I’ve ever been loved before. I am so lucky and am looking forward to our future together.

We laugh at ourselves nearly every day. We began talking in February last year while I lived in Florida and he was in Ohio. We had our first date a couple weeks later and got engaged a couple weeks after that on our second date 😳😂. We flew to Las Vegas for my birthday in April and got married in a limo in a drive through. He spent a lot of time on a plane for a couple months 😜.

We dated when I was in high school and he was my first love. When we started talking again it didn’t take long for those feelings to return. We both just knew it was meant to be and had faith and jumped in. Some people may have been a little scared (I think that’s putting it lightly 😜) of what we had done but we didn’t let that deter us. We had no doubts and I couldn’t be happier.

He was there for me through this past year which was one of the hardest I’ve had. I struggled majorly with depression since I moved back to Ohio and he was there for me every step of the way. I have since mostly resolved the feelings I had of moving back and we have plans for our future that we are so excited about.

My new job is going well so far. It sure does feel good to be back in the hospital, but I miss the ER. I am beginning to feel like myself again and it feels great! Life is good!❤️

I Chose Life Even Though He Wouldn’t Live

When I was told my baby would not live once he was born but I could have a compassionate induction (abortion) before 20 weeks. I had two weeks to make that decision. For me it was an easy one, I couldn’t kill my baby no matter how hard it would be to see him suffer once he was born. Killing him wouldn’t be for him to help end his suffering. It would be for selfish reasons, for myself so I wouldn’t have to see him struggle. For the time being he was completely safe inside me and was not suffering at all. It would be once he was born that the suffering would begin and let me tell you, I was not looking forward to how much that would hurt me.

While I have to admit, I often thought how much easier it would be to just end it and not have to worry and stress every day. I mean he was going to die anyway right? No matter the end result, that was something I just couldn’t do even if it “made perfect sense”.

Eighteen years ago, I found out I was pregnant. I was 20, not married, my boyfriend was black, and I grew up in a strict church where I knew I would be looked down upon. I was not looking forward to telling my family. I will admit the thoughts of an abortion came to mind, though I knew ultimately it was not something I could do. It would, however, spare me the humiliation and shame I was about to embark on. Again, an abortion would be for completely selfish reasons.

While I disagree with abortion, I am in no position to judge. That is not my place. I do believe things happen in our lives for a reason. We become better people for the crazy things we go through. Life is about growing and becoming a better you. If you’re not growing you’re really doing yourself a disservice. I know my words won’t change anyone’s minds, it’s just my story and I hope it helps someone along the way. ❤️

There Is Beauty All Around But Not Everyone Sees It ðŸ˜

Last weekend, while I felt like death, I was so sick of being in the house I asked my husband to take me for a ride. I just needed out of the house before I went crazy. The roads were bad, it was freezing cold, but he turned my night around. We drove around, talked, laughed, and held hands. That was the night I finally found some beauty here in Ohio. Everything was covered in snow and beautiful. There was an amazing sunset and the moon was gorgeous. It was what I needed at that moment. I realized the beauty I was missing was still there, just in a different form. I love the saying there is beauty all around but not everyone sees it. That was me, I wasn’t seeing it. My negativity was not allowing me to see what was right in front of me.

I scrolled Instagram as we drove and lo and behold my daughter had posted this picture. She was at a friends house but saw the same beauty I was seeing ❤️. I had literally just told my husband to look at the beautiful sunset and moon and here she was posting the same thing.

My heart was full even though my body wanted to do nothing. I realized in that ride that I am responsible for seeing the beauty that is front of me. If I am not seeing it, it is because I am not allowing myself. It may not be the life I envisioned at this time, but there’s beauty in it all. It’s taking the time to see it. ❤️

New Beginnings

We picked up Sammy’s ashes the other day. Littleton Rue has a program where they will cremate free of charge for stillborn babies. I think that is amazing they give their services for free 😍. We ran a few errands afterwards and when we arrived home my husband says to me “Don’t leave our kid in the car”. 🙄😂 What makes us amazing is our ability to take things lightly. We went through something so traumatic but have accepted it and know we are where we are supposed to be at this time.

I would love to have some kind of jewelry made from his ashes, or some kind of artwork. I have never been in this position before so I’m not really aware of neat things that are out there. If anyone knows of anything interesting I would love to hear the ideas!

I am finally starting to feel better thank goodness! It has been a very long couple of months. Last week my work schedule was full of clients and this week was as well. I am really enjoying this job and am so glad it picked up. I will also be starting at the hospital beginning February. Yay 😁

I am finally starting to feel as though I am finding my way here in Ohio. I have tried a few different jobs and have just felt so lost. In Florida I had it all figured out. I came here and my world was flipped upside down. It has been a long 9 months of tears and heartache but I am finally feeling as though I am finding a purpose here. I knew it would come with time but in the meantime it was rough. I am thankful my husband has been supportive and allowed me time to find my niche here. Thankful for new beginnings. ❤️

This is Getting Old ðŸ¤’

William was fever free Monday and Tuesday so I thought he was in the clear. Wednesday he started with a fever and coughing. He didn’t have a fever this morning so I thought it’s finally going away. As I tuck him in bed I felt his neck and it felt like his lymph nodes are swollen. I am thinking it may be strep at this point, so there will be a trip to the doctor tomorrow. How do you go from diarrhea and vomiting to no fever for two days, then a cough and fever 😷? Poor guy, I feel so bad for him 😢. But he seemed to have passed the germs to me.

Driving around today I started feeling feverish and began coughing 🙄. Seriously, I don’t have time for this! I am now laying in bed trying to sleep and not cough a lung up. It’s getting into my chest and I’m aching all over. I had already been sick for what feels like forever. Then Sunday I ended having to go to the OR and was intubated (for the first time ever 😳). I have assisted in hundreds of intubations, however, it was quite a different story on the receiving end. But everyone was amazing and Michael Jackson juice is too 😂. I woke up right away but my throat has been sore since then so I first attributed these symptoms to that, but it is worsening quickly. I am just hoping to feel a little better tomorrow.

If I can just make it through tomorrow, I will have two days off to rest. I’m just sick of being sick and want to feel like a normal human being for more than a couple days. It feels like one step forward and two steps back. As moms, we sometimes just do what we have to do even though we don’t feel like it. I’m ready to get tomorrow over with! ❤️

Things Are Turning Around

It’s been a whirlwind of a week! We got home Sunday night and I slept all of Monday except to get up for my interview. I was afraid I wouldn’t sleep at night but I did. Tuesday I woke up from a nap and realized I had clients I was supposed to see. I hadn’t even checked my email as I thought I had taken myself off the schedule Monday and Tuesday. So Tuesday ended up being an awful day. I was exhausted and felt horrible. But I managed to make it through the day without dying 😜. It began by running very late to my scheduled appointments, had an incident of running out of gas, and last but not least being pulled over by the police for speeding 🙄. He did let me go with a warning so thank you sir! I can laugh now but Tuesday all I could do was cry 😂.

Tuesday through Friday I have been booked full with clients, an answer to prayer! Tuesday I could not force myself to be happy about it, but today I am so thankful. We needed this income and I really like this job. It is the easiest money I have ever made.

My interview went well Monday and I was offered the position yesterday. Things are definitely turning around 😊. I have really missed working in the hospital and am ready to get back to it. I tried a Monday through Friday job and realized it is not for me. I missed the three days a week, even if the days seem forever. I missed my days off and the craziness of the ER. Working a 9-5 I felt like a hamster on a hamster wheel getting nowhere.

Yesterday we went to the funeral home and signed paperwork to have Sammy cremated. The final step to this journey I guess. My daughter asked why we were having him cremated. I have many times told my children when I die I would like to be cremated. It’s practical, less expensive, easier, I just don’t need a spot in the ground when I’m gone (just my opinion). She informed me she is having me buried and there will be nothing I can do about it 😂😂. I told her I’d haunt her if she did that to me 😜. There is not a moment that has gone by that I don’t think about Sammy but I know he’s in a better place and I’ll see him someday ❤️.